Friday, July 29, 2011

Reinvention of an American Housewife

Does anyone know where I go to turn in my notice for this mom gig? I thought this position would automatically be eliminated after my last child's graduation but then I started planning a wedding. Okay, that's the last thing, right?  I'm trying to get my request in early, but  I can't find the door to Human Resources in my kitchen. I've completed the tasks I was assigned all those years ago in the hospital but I can't get anyone to throw me a retirement party. I don't even want the gold watch, you can keep it. Diamonds would be nice, though.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about finally getting to stop someplace on a trip that my family had driven by for years. No one wants to stop to do some boring "mom" thing when we are heading to the beach. In this blog I said that a friend and I were reinventing ourselves "from moms to real people." I got a rash of e-mails saying things like "Right on!" (I didn't know anyone still said that but I think it's far out!) After a while clipping coupons, doing laundry, and answering the question "Where is my.....?" about your fifteenth million item loses its appeal. I know, hard to believe, right? No I promise, it does.

Really.

Anyway, I can't find the door to the Human Resources office or their number. I've got my paperwork all ready. It looks like this:
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            APPLICATION FOR IMMEDIATE RETIREMENT

NAME:  Mom, I had something else previously but don't recall it.     Date: 7/29/2011

Address: Well, this is the South so I really like "Ma'am." 

Final date of separation: Management is a little vague on this...

Current Position: Sitting at a computer, but generally it's in front of the sink or dryer. 

How long have you been employed here? 28 years. But I've been in management for 25. Do I get to count being pregnant? I should totally get to count it. It was when people started telling me how to do my job, even if they weren't currently working in production.

Reason for Leaving: I've trained my team to do all the major tasks and delegated my responsibilities to them.  I'll still be available in an advisory capacity.

What you hope to achieve in the next 5 years: Becoming a National Geographic photographer, or host for a show on the Travel Channel. Skydiving, joining the circus, or the Peace Corps. Okay, if Saturday Night Live begged me I would help them write something funny.
Someone needs to.

Please list any special talents: Making something out of nothing. Breaking up fights between people smaller than me, wrangling all types of animals; dogs, cats, hamsters, lizards, and squirrels INSIDE the house.  I have the ability to give long lectures through gritted teeth and I can say "Stop!" and/or "No!" 5,618 times a day at last count.

Do you speak any other languages? Yes, I speak fairly good toddler, I can understand teenaged male "I'm separating myself from you" but I don't speak it, and I'm fluent in young adult female PMS.

Beneficiaries: Anyone who has ever had my coconut cream pie or magic cocoa. 

Spousal Consent Requirement:   Oh, man. That's gonna be a problem. 

Signature: 


                                                                        


Snarky Division Handbook

                                                     Office of Imaginary Personnel Management   
Form 758484-9686585 A   
Revised.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
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1 comment:

  1. can you fax me one of these forms IMMEDIATELY? and... if you offer them for $5 a pop on craigslist, you'd be a millionairess!

    ReplyDelete