Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Mother of the Bride's Disney Meltdown

Earlier this week I listed my favorite wedding related movies. For someone who rarely sits down to watch television, when life is humming along at a normal pace, I've had a lot of crafty (as in hand made, not deceitful) things to do that required me to sit in one spot for long periods of time. Ah, so now you know what a lot of post nuptial blog posts are going to cover! So I've watched a lot of these movies lately.  I'd add to this list every freakin' Disney movie ever made. There is always a wedding, magically planned of course, by birds and fawns in a meadow and held in a princess castle. Everything sparkles. The air sparkles. No one is ever trying to scrounge up addresses for people who have moved since you sent them a Christmas card. "Prince Charming (Does this guy have a first name? Let's say it's Fred), darling...are all your family still in that same castle? Is your grandmother still in that charming cottage at the edge of the wood?"

I'm trying to imagine all of the things that a Disney princess would really say under the stress of planning the perfect wedding:

"I do not want my stepmother to be invited; I haven't forgiven her for tying to kill me."

"No, I think apples at the reception are a bad idea..."

"All MY friends are vegetarians."

"I refuse to have my stepsisters as bridesmaids, but I would look good next to them..." 

"Can somebody get me a mirror that doesn't give me its opinion?"

"Where did they get these plates? We registered for the DANCING dishes!"

"Is your sister still married to that beast?

"I know they are working for free but I don't want Sneezy passing out hor d'oeuvres."

"The magic carpet rental is HOW MUCH?"

"What do you mean "Bambi" was at your bachelor party?"

No one informs Cinderella that Aunt Susie's niece's ex sister in law's feelings are hurt because she didn't get an invitation.  I can only feel so sorry for characters who have never had to worry about how many glasses will be used per person per hour (the answer is 1 1/2) at the reception.  No birds will be doing the bride's hair and I probably killed all the helpful mice, who would have made the dress, with poisoned bait last fall when I saw a rat in the potting shed.

Real life including wedding planning doesn't quite magically work out the way it does when the characters are all sticking to their lines.  In the magic world of Disney weddings however, there is love all around. Perfection even. The groom is always charming, the bride is never about to come unglued, or dieting to make sure that dress fits. And no one is ever over stressed about wedding details which will be handled by helpful forest creatures. It never rains. The silverware sings. There is a fairy godmother to handle all the last minute details and a passel of dwarfs to set up the reception and see to it that everyone gets their money. It's all sweetness and light set to the sound of perfectly scored sweeping orchestral themes.

I'll bet everyone in Prince Charming's kingdom RSVPs.

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