My Painful Kardashian Marathon

 
On Saturday afternoon while nursing my injuries I found myself crying with Kris Jenner over the end of her marriage and her coming to terms with losing Bruce Jenner as he transitioned to his new identity as a woman. I wanted to give Kendall a hug and tell Kim I was sorry for all the mean things I'd ever read about her while standing in the line at Kroger.

Bruce's pain felt really real and I noticed that all the designer clothes and Malibu property didn't shield this family from the pain of being human.

 Oh my gosh I totally see what Kim sees in Kanye.

Clearly the pain medication for my torn rotator cuff and impingement was working. Nothing hurt. Things were fuzzy and nice. As I iced my shoulder I couldn't believe that I hadn't been watching this show all along. Why was everyone always saying how shallow they were? Who wouldn't get In and Out Burgers and Lipo in the same day? Kentucky Fried Chicken on your way to a nude photo shoot? Sign me up.

Right?

Everyone was so genuine and real. Kind of. You know, in that sort of really real way. Pain medication has a way of clarifying things. The steroids I was on killed my appetite. I didn't even want those beautiful cookies on Kloe's island. These are such strong women. I mean, who can live with that kind of temptation? Cookies in a glass container right out in plain sight! I was seriously impressed.

Time for another pain pill. Still wasn't hungry going into hour 4. On Demand is like the best thing ever. I literally cannot remember why I ever watch CNN. What is Anderson Cooper ever even talking about? The news doesn't even make sense the way the Kardashians do. Why were Kim and Kloe trying to talk Kylie out of buying a house? She's seventeen! She totally needs her own house. Even if she had to get something called "rattlesnake fencing" for her dogs.

And Kylie should totally be honest about her lips. I was glad to see her wise older sisters set her straight about that.

I tried to watch a movie but the plot was complicated and I got confused. When did Disney start making docudramas with plot twists about the arctic? Back to the Kardashians.

As the next pain pill kicked in after I decided to skip dinner I realized for the first time what a genius name North is. It's so directional. Like the North Star. She'll never lose her way. North West. I can't believe I ever made fun of it. The new ice pack on my shoulder was having a freezing effect on my brain. There is something clarifying about cold. North. Cold. It was all just making such perfect sense now.

I suddenly thought how much my husband would love these people! I'll bet he'd never seen it. I wondered aloud to the dogs if I should DVR it for daddy. What if he ever wanted to watch it and it wasn't on demand. Maybe it would be better to buy all the seasons on DVD. We could watch them over and over. I'll bet he'd love that.

I'd be sure to ask him when he got home from the golf tournament. I realized I couldn't remember how long he'd been gone or when I took my last pain pill. Or what day it was. Well except that it was Kardashian Day.

What a great idea! They definitely need their own day. Pain pills for everyone!