Saturday, September 30, 2017

Guerilla Decorating: A 5 Step Guide to Decor- Revolution


Guerilla Decorating is what I call it when I've decorated hard and fast while my husband has been at work or out of town. It's a redesign ambush. Generally it means trying do a project start to finish in a short amount of time. It's not for the faint of heart. 

Why? 

Because When did decorating by committee become a thing? Why do husbands suddenly have opinions about the fabric for the sofa? Was this in the fine print of feminism somewhere? When we said we wanted it all we didn't mean suggestions about how to decorate the mantel for Christmas.



The Mission: To not be one of those couples fighting over paint samples in Lowe's. To solve our own problems and be self reliant. To avoid every husband's favorite question when you bring something new in the house:


                                 Where are you going to put that?

So much rogue decorating is done just to avoid hearing that question. Don't they know we just want them to carry it in the house? Did we say we were taking decorating suggestions today?

 Then there's that reaction when you first mention you might want to paint the dining room or take down wallpaper, I think it looks fine. Of course he does. When you married him he had a recliner perfectly aligned in front of the television and the only thing on the wall was a Fight Club poster.

I know some of you have husbands who like projects and take the honey-do list as a personal challenge.  Some of you have husbands with great style. If this is your situation, stop reading immediately because I'm going to sound like a crazy person.

But if you have ever kept an IKEA shopping bag in the trunk of your car because your husband was home when you pulled in the driveway, keep reading.  

You are my people. 

Here's your tactical guide for a successful decorevolution


1. The propaganda campaign. Depending on your perceived level of resistance from the enemy your spouse, you will want to start days or maybe even weeks before your mission is ready to execute.  Drop comments like "This room is looking dirty. Do you think it's the walls?" You simply can't say "This color is so 2010." or "I'm envisioning a Moroccan dining room." Although sometimes I say things like that just for fun.


2. Preparation and Planning. If you have time and a secret place to stash stuff you need to assemble your ammunition: brushes, paints, drop cloths, etc. Create a plan for what to do when, estimate how long you think it might take (then double it if you have kids or pets), and get supplies in order. Pre-plan dinner (pizza delivery) and stuff to keep the kids occupied (letting them watch Game of thrones  and eat 3 pounds of Twizzlers.) You are decorating in a hurry not trying to win Mother of the Year. Fine. If you are a really good mom you just put on Frozen and sing Let it Go as you paint over a hideous color called "Pebble." 


3. D-Day  This is it. The big day. Eat a high protein breakfast as you prepare for battle. Wait for the attack to begin at daybreak, or whenever he pulls out of the driveway. (And yes, I know I'm mixing military terminology. It's a decorating post y'all, no one's going to study it at West Point.)


4. Attack. The goal here is to finish the mission while you have the house to yourself. Be swift. Be brave. Keep up morale by looking at your Pinterest boards while the paint dries. Imagine the surrender of ugliness and the flag of victory raised high over your freshly redecorated kitchen or painted vintage dresser. Be sure to take before and after photos. That's your medal of honor. Post to Pinterest and Instagram. That's your Global War on Ugly Decor medal.


5. Mission Accomplished. Winning the War for Hearts and Minds is the conclusion of your mission. When he gets home you announce "Surprise!"  Trust me, he's going to love it. It will look great. He'll likely say he didn't realize how bad it looked before or that he couldn't imagine it could ever look so great. Which we already know. My husband has literally thought everything I ever did was amazing and beautiful after it's finished even if he didn't see the point before. It's not their fault they don't share our vivid imaginations and Pinterest obsessions. 



  Need inspiring words to launch your campaign? Here's a DIY battle speech to inspire decorating greatness. Obviously old Winston stole his famous words from his decorator. This was found under a sofa cushion and was written on the back of a piece of toile wallpaper.

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Style, we shall fight on the walls and floors, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the antique store, we shall defend our kitchen island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the stairs, we shall fight on the landings, we shall fight in the bedrooms and in the baths, we shall fight in the dens; we shall never surrender,

Or you know, you can just ask him what he wants to do. (insert hysterical laughter)



2 comments:

  1. oh gosh so funny. My dad never cared how my decorated or what she did. So when I got married and my husband DID care, and we didn't have similar taste I was like "WHAT! You are NOT supposed to care!" lol. we still have different tastes, and well, as much as I'd like to, I probably wouldn't tackle too much without his knowledge because he definitely has an opinion...lol. The best tactic here is to warm him up to it or find a compromise. The downside, is I feel like there's no real theme to my house, you know where things just flow all nice together. lol. Maybe someday.

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    1. My husband doesn't care much except BEFORE. If I just start talking about "wouldn't it look nice if we..." There's this huge sigh and look of exhaustion. LOL Even though we both know I'm going to do it all. After it's done he always thinks it's great. He doesn't like projects and I do so he's always asking when the house will be "done." Like that's a thing.

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